From Hell to Heaven
by
Storm Grayson
Characters
GEORGE HAS A LAD ABOUT TOWN ATTITUDE ALWAYS UP FOR EVERYTHING
SO, WHEN SID SUGGESTED THEY SERVICE THE WORKS BOILER TO SAVE
MONEY, HE AGREED.
SID IS OLD STYLE MANAGEMENT AND ALWAYS TRYING TO SAVE MONEY.
HE OWNED A SMALL ENGINEERING COMPANY WITH ONE FACTORY IN THE
HEART OF A SMALL NORTHERN TOWN. THE BOILER EXPLODED KILLING
BOTH GEORGE AND SID AND BURNING DOWN THE FACTORY.
THEY ARE DRESSED IN OVERALLS AND WORK BOOTS THEY HAVE
YORKSHIRE ACCENTS
Scene 1
A CAVE WITH RED HOT WALLS EVERYTHING IS GLOWING THERE ARE
CAULDRONS OF HOT STEAMING LIQUID EVERYWHERE
SID IS PUSHING GEORGE IN A HANDCART GEORGE GETS OUT AND WALKS ACROSS TO ONE OF THE CAULDRONS WITH HIS HAND OUT READY TO
TOUCH IT.
SID
DON’T TOUCH THAT GEORGE IT WILL BURN YOU
GEORGE
BUT SID I WANT TO SEE IF IT REALLY IS AS HOT
AS HADES DOWN HERE BECAUSE IT SURE FEELS LIKE IT
SID
REMEMBER GEORGIE BOY HOW WE GOT OURSELVES INTO THIS SITUATION
GEORGE
WELL, IT WAS YOUR IDEA MATE
SID
I DISPUTE THAT
GEORGE
I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU CAN?
(INDIGNANT)
SID
VERY EASILY IF YOU CAST YOUR MIND BACK
GEORGE
I’D RATHER NOT WAS PRETTY UNPLEASANT IF I REMEMBER RIGHT
SID
INSTEAD OF BEING ENTERTAINMENT FOR SATAN WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE AND UPSTAIRS WHERE ITS ALL FLUFFY CLOUDS AND ANGELS WITH HARPS
GEORGE
WELL HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT THEN SID?
SID
WITH A BIT OF PLANNING
GEORGE
I HAVE HAD A BIT OF YOUR PLANNING SID THAT’S WHAT GOT US DOWN HERE
SID
IT WAS OUR DESTINY GEORGE WE WERE SENT HERE TO PROVE OURSELVES WORTHY
GEORGE
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
GEORGE
YOU CRACK ME UP SOMETIMES SID
SID
(WITH A VERY STRAIGHT FACE)
SID
GEORGE THIS IS A SERIOUS MATTER WE NEED TO PLAN NOT WALK ROUND TRYING TO BURN OUR BITS OFF JUST TO SEE IF WE CAN STILL FEEL PAIN
GEORGE
JUST TESTING MY PAIN THRESHOLD, COME ON LETS JUST HAVE A LITTLE TRY?
(GEORGE TEASINGLY PRETENDS TO TOUCH THE CAULDRON)
SID
(ANGRILY)
SID
ITS TYPICAL OF YOU ALWAYS HAVING TO TEST, TESTING TESTING TESTING
GEORGE
OH SID DON’T BE A WIMPY THING YOU WILL BE CRYING NEXT
SID
I DID ENOUGH OF THAT AT THE FUNERAL
GEORGE
WASN’T YOUR MAM GREAT SHE CERTAINLY KNOWS HOW TO PUT ON THE DRAMA
SID
(GETTING REALLY ANGRY)
SID
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHE HAD JUST SEEN ME IN MY BOX BEING SHOVED INTO A BLOODY INCINERATOR,
WHAT ABOUT YOUR MAM SHE NEARLY FORGOT TO TURN UP TOO BUSY DOWN THE BOOKIES
GEORGE
WE CAN’T ALL BE PERFECT SID, MY SISTER CRIED PLENTY
SID
SHE WAS THAT PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE WAS NOW GOING TO HAVE TO GET HER OWN FAGS AND HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM HERSELF
(GEORGE SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE HANDCART, HANDS IN POCKETS)
GEORGE
DON’T MENTION FAGS I COULD REALLY DO WITH ONE, THE ONE TIME WHEN I HAVE A LIGHT AND I DON’T HAVE A BLOODY FAG
SID
S’POS YOU WILL BE WANTING A PINT NEXT?
GEORGE
NOW YOU MENTION IT
SID
DON’T BE SUCH AN IDIOT WE DON’T HAVE ANY USE FOR THINGS LIKE THAT
NOW
GEORGE
I KNEW THERE WAS A DOWNSIDE TO DIEING
(SID WALKS UP AND DOWN HANDS IN POCKETS THINKING)
GEORGE
SO YOUR THE BOSS WHAT IS THE PLAN ‘COS IT’S GETTING MIGHTY HOT DOWN HERE I AM BEGINNING TO FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF ROAST PORK.
SID
WELL GEORGE ITS LIKE THIS (PAUSE) I DON’T RIGHTLY KNOW BUT I WILL TRY AND THINK OF SOMETHING
GEORGE
PERHAPS THERE’S A THERMOSTAT SWITCH AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE?
SID
IT’S NOT BLOODY CENTRAL HEATING GEORGE DON’T BE SO DAMN STUPID WHY DON’T YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING SENSIBLE OR IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
(SID PACING UP AND DOWN)
GEORGE
STOP MOVIN’ ABOUT SO FAST SID ITS NOT NATURAL ITS MAKING ME DIZZY
SID
NOW COME ON GEORGIE BOY DON’T LETS GET PERSONAL
GEORGE
SORRY SID BUT I AM BEGINNING TO THINK WE WILL BE HERE FOR EVER AND THE PROSPECT DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL VERY HAPPY MY MAM WOULD BE VERY UPSET IF SHE THOUGHT I WAS ROASTIN’ DOWN HERE
SID
YOUR MAM WILL BE TOO BUSY DOWN THE BOOKIES TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GEORGIE BOY,
YOU HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR PAST LIFE
WE HAVE THE FUTURE TO PLAN, HAVE YOU GOT ANY IDEAS ABOUT REDEEMING YOURSELF? (PAUSE) NO I THOUGHT NOT.
GEORGE
WELL ACTUALLY SID YOUR WRONG THERE I HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING, MY MAM HAD THE IDEA THAT I MIGHT NEED SOME HELP SO SHE PUT THIS IN THE COFFIN WITH ME
(GEORGE HOLDS UP A CRUCIFIX ON A CHAIN)
(HE IS SMILING AND WINKING AT SID)
SID
AND WHAT IDEAS DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THINGS BETTER THAT MIGHT INVOLVE YOUR CRUCIFIX?
GEORGE
WELL, ITS LIKE THIS; IF WE PRAY REALLY HARD AND KISS THE CRUCIFIX AND PROMISE TO BE REALLY GOOD, WE MAY GET A PROMOTION. ITS WORTH A TRY DON’T YOU THINK?
SID
PROMOTION (VERY LOUD) WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
GEORGE
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) WHERE ELSE IS THIS THEN SID?
SID
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN GEORGE, YOU DON’T GET PROMOTION DOWN HERE.
GEORGE
PERHAPS I CAN CALL UP THE BOSS AND WE CAN PLEAD OUR CASE?
SID
WELL, YOU DIDN’T DO A VERY GOOD JOB WHEN YOU WHERE LAST UP BEFORE THE BEAK, GOT 6 MONTHS IFI REMEMBER RIGHTLY.
GEORGE
SUSPENDED SID, SUSPENDED
SID
OK, OK NOW WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THAT CROSS SURELY OLD SATAN WONT LIKE IT IF YOU START WAVIN’ IT AROUND.
GEORGE
THAT’S THE IDEA DON’T YOU SEE IF WE MAKE HIM REALISE WE HAVE IT MAYBE HE WILL SHOW HIMSELF
THEN WE CAN TRY AND GET HIM TO SEE THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS.
SID
(SHAKING HIS HEAD) YOU AMAZE ME GEORGE, AMAZE
ME I SAID GEORGE DON’T YOU REALISE WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET MARKS FOR GOOD BEHAVIOUR
GEORGE
DON’T BE DEFEATIST SID WE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.
(GEORGE HOLDS UP THE CRUCIFIX TOWARD THE ROOF OF THE CAVE)
GEORGE
SHOW YOURSELF SATAN WE WANT TO MAKE A DEAL (PAUSE) COME ON THEN DON’T BE SHY (PAUSE)
WE’VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT TO GET HERE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS SHOW YOURSELF
SID
COULDN’T YOU THINK OF SOMETHING MORE ORIGINAL THAN THAT?
FIRE AND STEAM FROM THE CAULDRENS FILLS THE CAVE
GEORGE
SID, SID (PANICKY) WHATS HAPPENING, WE GOING TO BE SWALLOWED UP THIS HEAT IS UNBEARABLE, I CAN’T SEE YOU, WHERE ARE YOU, OH! I DON’T LIKE THIS, WHERE ARE YOU SID I CAN’T SEE YOU?
SID
I AM HERE LAD DON’T WORRY
GEORGE
WHERE, WHERE OH MY GOD WHATS HAPPENING, THIS IS THE END SID, NO TUNNELS, NO BRIGHT LIGHT, NO FLUFFY CLOUDS AND NO BLOODY HARPS
(THERE IS A RUMBLING SOUND AND THE CAULDRONS START TO BUBBLE
THERE IS A NOISE LIKE THUNDER AND THE STEAM CLEARS.)
GEORGE
WHAT THE HELL
(SATAN APPEARS THROUGH THE STEAM HOLDING HIS TRIDENT AND BY HIS
SIDE IS A RED STANDARD POODLE WITH TWO SMALL HORNS SHOWING THROUGH HIS TOPKNOT
SATAN
YES MY SON THIS IS HELL (LAUGHS LOUDLY AND THE CAVE SHAKES) YOU DON’T SEEM TO BE ENJOYING IT DOWN HERE, WHAT ABOUT YOU SID IS it WHAT YOU EXPECTED?
(DOG MOVES ROUND THE CAVE SNIFFING BOTH GEORGE AND SID AND THEN RETURNS TO SATANS SIDE)
DOG
THEY STILL SMELL HUMAN TO ME I THINK WE SHOULD LEAVE THEM FOR A BIT LONGER, CRISP THEM UP A BIT
GEORGE
NO PLEASE DON’T WE ARE GOOD MEN WE SHOULDN’T BE HERE ITS ALL A BIG MISTAKE LOOK AT THIS
(HE HOLDS THE CRUCIFIX UP TOWARD SATAN, SATANS EYES START TO GLOW AND HE BEGINS TO LOOK IN PAIN THE DOG GROWLS UNDER ITS BREATH SATAN PUT THAT AWAY DAMN YOU
scene
SID AND GEORGE ARE LYING ON THE GROUND ITS THICK MIST BUT NOT
SO HOT. GEORGE IS STILL HOLDING ON TO HIS CRUCIFIX AND THEY ARE ALONE. THERE IS NO SOUND.
GEORGE
SID (QUIETLY) SID (LOUDER) WHAT HAPPENED? SID, SID (EARNESTLY)
WAKE UP, WHERE ARE WE, WHAT HAPPENED?
SID
(MOANING)
WHAT, WHAT GEORGE WHAT ARE YOU SAYING I CANT HEAR YOU
GEORGE
SID (SHOUTING) WAKE UP DAMN YOU SOMETHINGS HAPPENED WE ARE NOT BEING BARBECUED ANYMORE, I CAN’T SEE YOU, WHEREARE YOU?
SID
(STILL MOANING)
Curtain